I know it’s just a big cliche, but time really does seem to move faster the older your kid gets.  I love this age, but I am still occasionally nostalgic for Jack’s younger days, like when he was just learning to walk and talk.

There are days when Jack’s really pushing my buttons and pushing his boundaries and I think, I can’t wait until he’s older.  But for the most part I will be sad I cannot ever go back and revisit him when he’s three.

He is delighted with so much of the world, and I love watching him discover new things.  Overall, he is still a pretty easy-going kid.  Today he told me he knows a lot more about flashlights than I do.  Could be.  He is becoming interested in the planets.  We got him a new game for Christmas (Busytown) that he really enjoys.  He’s very into Dora the Explorer.

It’s still a year and a half until kindergarten, but I bet when it starts I’ll feel like time whizzed by.  Except when I’m waiting for him to get dressed in the morning.. that still feels like time is standing still.

This year they were going somewhere much less exotic than their usual fare of Egypt/Africa/Bhutan/etc and they invited us to accompany them to Costa Rica.  We said yes!

They decided on a much longer trip than us and by the time we joined them they had been there about two weeks.  We left on a midnight flight the day after Christmas (I don’t know why all the flights seemed to leave at that time) and they picked us up in a rental car at the airport in San Jose (the capital of Costa Rica).

The flight actually felt short (5.5 hours to San Salvador, then another hour to San Jose) compared to our last flight with Jack to the UK.  We spent the day in San Jose, napping at the hotel and seeing the local sites (namely the mall!).  The next morning we made the long drive to Arenal, which is famous for its volcano and hot springs.  The volcano is not currently active, but we did enjoy the thermal pools.

While we were there, we went for a walk in the rainforest called a “Sky Walk” because it traversed a lot of suspension bridges, a great way to view the forest below.  There were waterfalls and a butterfly garden as well.  Jack amazed me by walking the whole way (2.2 miles) by himself!

The next day, S. and Dave very kindly offered to babysit Jack while Chris and I went ziplining.  They took him to the pool and played cards while Chris and I had a fantastic time zooming along ziplines over beautiful forest and rivers.  We were even lucky enough to see a sloth.

After 3 days in the Arenal region, we drove over the mountains to Herradura on the Pacific Coast.  We rented a condo for a week which worked out very nicely.  We spent time on the beach and at the pool.  I really liked the pool.. it had a large section that was very shallow, perfect for Jack, with a wall between that and the deeper part that Jack could sit on.

While there, Chris and I went scuba diving (S. and Dave babysat again!  Thank you!!) during two half days.  The dive shop was very close by and it was just a short boat trip out to the bay where we went diving.  I was able to complete my open water certification which I was really pleased about.  The diving there wasn’t that great.. not very good visibility.. but my main goal was just to get my certification and I did that.

We also went to Manuel Antonio National Park and saw a ton of monkeys a couple of sloths.  We visited a bridge famous for its view of crocodiles and saw quite a few.  We also saw iguanas, and went on a night walk to see frogs and snakes (mostly enclosed in terrariums).  We also visited a baby sea turtle sanctuary and got to release just-born baby sea turtles onto the beach.

We all drank a lot of batidos (smoothies) in different delicious flavors, like cas and guanabana.

Our last night was spent back in San Jose, where we ate at the mall food court and played video games in the arcade.  Our flights home were uneventful.

All in all a really fun trip.

So far we’ve been playing War, Go Fish, Slapjack, and Trumps (a modified version).  Jack can’t hold all the cards in his hands yet so he puts them on the table.

He has actually WON War against both me and Chris–you might think it’s because we let him win, but sadly there is no way to let someone win in War.  You just have to keep playing for hours.

Things have been pretty busy around here.  After 3.5 years, I’ve started working again.  It’s part-time for a startup and I can’t say much yet ’cause we’re in stealth mode, but I will say I’ve really been enjoying working again.  So nice to be using my brain that way.  Jack is in school two days a week and I supplement with a babysitter one other day, but in January he’ll start a third day of school.  Thankfully he still really likes it there.

Last winter, Jack was sick almost every week from about August to January and missed a lot of school.  This year, he’s had a sort of perpetual on/off cold but no other illnesses and has hardly missed a day.  Such a relief.

Our trip to the UK in October was a whirlwind of seeing family and friends.  We slept in 7 different locations in 2.5 weeks.  Jack did fairly well on the flights.. this time he played with Chris’s Android tablet which was a lifesaver.  He loved seeing his cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles.  I was happy we got to visit Yorkshire, one of my favorite places.  It was fairly cold while we were there and we got hailed on during our visit to Thomas Land.

I just finished a scuba diving class.  It was at a local dive shop.. they have an indoor pool with a deep end for the pool training.  We had six classes (they were in the evening from about 6:30 – 10).  I decided not to do the local ocean dive in Monterey.. brrr.. but will instead finish up my certification when we go to Costa Rica.  Chris was certified in the ’90s at the Great Barrier Reef but hasn’t had the chance to do a lot of diving since then.

We had our annual pumpkin carving party the week before Halloween and had some great entries as always.  My sister and I visited my grandmother (she just turned 98) in Washington and got to see some snow there for the first time.  My sister and her husband hosted their first Thanksgiving in their newly-remodeled house.  I can’t believe it’s nearly Christmas.  Jack’s really been enjoying all the Christmas traditions, like our advent candle.

The last few months have been busy but full of really good things.

We arrived Friday night and set up the tents and had dinner around the campfire.  It was a bit chilly at night.  This time, Jack stayed in his sleeping bag, but the first night he woke up in the middle of the night and hurled himself on top of Chris, yelling “Where are we!!”  eventually he calmed down and slept a while with his arms around Chris’s neck.  Don’t think Chris got a lot of sleep.  Also, there were some crazy loud birds screaming for a while.  And I heard some people screaming “ARE YOU KIDDING ME… SPRINKLERS???” at some point during the wee hours.

The second night, Jack slept quite well with only one wakeup.  I slept a bit better, no screaming birds, but I always have trouble sleeping when we camp.

On Saturday, we went for a hike and had a picnic lunch on the shore of the lake.  In the afternoon we played on the beach, and went all around the lake on a pedalboat. Jack loved to steer.  That night, we had hobo stew (delicious again!) and made s’mores.

On Sunday, Chris made pancakes for breakfast.  We packed everything up, and then I actually headed out to go to my book club.  Everyone else went for another hike.  Chris was carrying Jack in the backpack and unfortunately on one of the downhills he slipped and sprained his ankle!  It was bruised and swollen.. just in time for us to leave for the UK four days later.  Chris said it wasn’t too painful, though, and that it would be fine for the trip.

I found it fairly interesting overall, although I was familiar with a a lot of the research he discussed.   The most interesting part of the book, to me,  were his thoughts on criminal behavior.

One of the examples he cited was the case of a man who had been happily married for many years, but suddenly took an obsessive interest in viewing child pornography.  He also developed terrible headaches.  His wife took him to the doctor, where they discovered he had a tumor at the base of his spinal column.  The tumor was removed, he stopped looking at child porn.  Then, he started up again.  Back to the doctor, and they found they hadn’t removed quite everything.  They got the last bit out, and he was “normal” again.

What if other criminal behavior can be linked to brain health?  Maybe that guy who stole your purse has an abnormal frontal cortex, and has poor impulse control.  He knows it’s wrong to steal a purse–just as you know you’re better off not drinking that 1000-calories milkshake–but he (and you) do it anyway.

The author does not argue that we should not punish people who commit crimes, but instead says we need to find better way to determine sentencing (perhaps based on likelihood of recidivism, calculated with actuarial data) and more importantly, better methods of rehabilitation.  For example cognitive behavior can potentially be used to improve impulse control.  He argues that things like schizophrenia have moved into the “medical” side of things, and are taken into consideration for criminal cases.  Maybe other brain differences will move to that side as well.

I started thinking what this could lead to in the extreme.  Let’s say you’re a thief or you’re violent–go into the brain rehab clinic for a tuneup.  But how far would we go?  Maybe you have a bad temper.. off to brain rehab for you!  Maybe your spouse thinks the house should be cleaner than you do–go to rehab, get retrained to want a clean house.  You want to stop telling crude jokes.. get up earlier.. exercise more.. pick out better presents for your loved ones… all solvable with a little brain tune-up!

Scary stuff.

10 IUIs, 2 rounds of IVF.  Countless doctor’s appointments, invasive tests, ultrasounds, acupuncture.   Hours on the phone fighting with the insurance company.  Shots, shots, and more shots.  Drugs.  Pills.  Supplements.

It’s over.  Our second round of IVF failed, and we’re finished.  I can’t do it any more.  My life has been on hold.  I’m 39, the odds are so small, it’s time to give up.

When I finally got pregnant with Jack, after 2.5 years of trying, I was ecstatic but cautious.  Every week I’d say “I’m still pregnant!” but tried not to dream about what it’d be like to have an actual baby.  I held back a part of myself from truly believing it until the very moment when they put Jack in my arms after he was born.  And then it was finally real.

So many people told me that the second child would come easier, that now my body “knew” what to do.  I put off trying to get pregnant again until Jack was 16 months old.  I wanted to breastfeed him that long, and I had barely recovered from the sleep deprivation, now that he was sleeping through the night.  I took two months to get a few things out of the way like an MRI on a busted knee and a mammogram.  And when it was time to start again, instead of going straight back to the doctor, I thought, let’s just try for 6 months.  Maybe it’ll work this time.

When nothing had happened, I went to see my doctor.  She was confident we could use the same method and have success.  After all, I was lucky enough to get pregnant after my first round of injectable hormones plus IUI.

But this time it wasn’t working.  I took more drugs, did more acupuncture, more rounds of injectables plus IUIs.  My cycles got worse and worse, and I finally told her I wanted to do IVF.

At my first consultation, the IVF doctor told me what he thought my chances were:  less than 10%.  I was devastated; I thought the fact I’d been pregnant before would be in my favor.  But my numbers weren’t good, in particular my FSH level.

Chris and I discussed it and decided to give it a shot anyway.  I know myself, and knowing I’d tried everything I could would be easier than second guessing myself years later.  So we entered the world of IVF.

For those not familiar, here’s the basic idea:  you pump yourself full of follicle stimulating hormones (via abdominal shots), which stimulates egg growth.  Normally, you release 1 or 2 eggs during a monthly cycle; with the drugs, you might release 5-20.  Then they perform minor surgery to retrieve the eggs, fertilize them with sperm, and let the embryos grow for a few days.  If there are any that survive, they put them back into your uterus.  Then you wait 10 days and take a pregnancy test.

I was on an aggressive schedule..  225 IU of Gonal F and 75 IU of Menopur (these stimulate the follicles).  That amounted to 2 shots a day, morning and evening, for about 9 days.  Plus 3 days of Ganirelix shots, which hold off on ovulating.  Plus the hCG shot, which triggers ovulation.  Plus a daily bloodthinner shot.  After the embryo transfer, I continued with the bloodthinner shot (makes for beautifully colored bruises) and then the daily progesterone shots.  All the other shots I did myself, in my abdomen, but the progesterone is intramuscular and Chris had to do those in my lower back.  It’s great bonding time with your partner, let me tell you.

I was also doing acupuncture twice a week, and doing several rounds of intravenous injections of Intralipd—I have some immunological issues that might cause the embryo not to implant, and this counteracts it.

Then throw in a whole lot of ultrasounds, blood tests, the egg retrieval, and the transfer.  It’s pretty much a full-time job.

I was taking also taking up to 12 pills a day of drugs and supplements, and drinking absolutely horrifying Chinese herbs the acupuncturist prescribed.

I’m not describing all this because I think I should be pitied.  Lots of women go through worse.  It’s more to illustrate…. how much it takes over your life.  And why, despite being devastated, it’s such a relief to be done.

I know I’m lucky.  I have a child.. my son.  Jack.  He’s a better kid than I could have asked for.  Every day, every single day, I feel how lucky I am to have him.  Some people don’t even get one child.

Nonetheless… I feel so sad that Jack will not have a sibling.  I know there is no guarantee with siblings… they may get along, they may hate each other, they may have nothing to do with each other.  But who else but your sibling understands exactly where you came from.. and exactly in what way your parents are crazy?

Sometimes I think, I should have started earlier.  I got married when I was 30.  I selfishly wanted a couple of years with just me and Chris.  I didn’t think waiting until I was 32 was too late.  I was 35 when I had Jack; I know a lot of people who have babies in their late 30s/early 40s.  I thought I would have enough time.  Maybe I should have gone to IVF straight away, as soon as Jack was a year old.  But I know it’s foolish to think along those lines.  There is no other path, there is only the one you’re on.

It’s finished now.  I never have to wonder again whether we’ll have another baby.  I never have to spend another agonizing two weeks wondering if the latest treatment worked.

I’ve been watching a lot of Battlestar Galactica lately.  It’s been a good distraction while I went through IVF.  There was a quote that struck me, from the Gaius Baltar character:  “Sometimes we must embrace that which opens up to us.”   It’s time to embrace what’s opened up for me.. I know who my family is going to be now.  It’s me, and Chris, and Jack.  And I embrace them.

Diesel notices too late that a bridge between two cliffs, which was being built to reach the Search and Rescue Center, is only halfway finished, with a huge gap in between the rails leading straight down into a mouth of the sea. Diesel quickly stops, but the flatbeds and logs pull him downhill, toppling one-by-one into the water below. He tries to pull back, but can’t fight the trucks’ weight. As the third and final flatbed disappears into the waters, Diesel surges forward and ends up balancing on the rails on his middle set of wheels, half on the bridge, and half dangling dangerously over the sea. He calls for help, but no one can hear him. He tries to pull himself up, but can’t. Thomas arrives and quickly couples up to Diesel, pulling him back to safety. Diesel promptly thanks Thomas for saving his life.

I was in the kitchen when I heard Jack making what sounded like scared noises.  I went over and he was quaking and gasping, eyes fixed on the screen.  I held his hand until Thomas came to the rescue and he seemed ok after that.  He’d seen this episode before, and I had never seen him show fear while watching something on TV.

The next day, he started re-enacting this scene with his trains… he made the bridge, and had the logs toppling off, and a train dangling off, shouting “Help! Help!” until Thomas rescued him.  He has been doing it over and over since then.  I find it fascinating to watch Jack’s progression.. not too long ago, it seemed like he wasn’t afraid of anything, and now he’s shown fear about numerous things (going in the pool, the noise of CalTrain).  It’s like he’s suddenly realized there are things that can hurt him out there in the world, and that bad things happen.

To see him act out something he was afraid of is really interesting, and I assume it’s a way for him to deal with the fear and come to terms with it.

But in many ways, this is no different from humans’ age-old reliance on the “group memories” shared by friends, families and tribes, noted Sparrow and her colleagues at the University of Wisconsin and Harvard University.

We may not recall our aunt’s birthday, the name of a high school teacher or who gave us that nice bottle of wine — but someone we know does.

“We all have these people in our lives who know certain things. And we dip into what they know, when we need it,” said Sparrow. “We allow them to be responsible for it.”

“I really think we are using the Internet the way we used to use people,” she said.

Some people think the Internet’s making us stupid, but maybe it’s just reorganizing our brains.

What I find most interesting about it is the fact they withhold certain things:  if they choose to report a photo of the person, they block out the skin color.  They won’t report if a person has said she’s pregnant, or if the person has admitted to drinking a lot of beer.  No, they’re looking for hard-core drug usage, racist comments, and unlawful activities:  basically, things that would get your company into legal hot water.

It’s a brave new world with so much of everyone’s life now showing up on-line .  A lot of people caution today’s youth about posting drunken photos of themselves on-line:  what if your employer sees it!  But my thinking is that eventually that sort of stuff won’t matter so much.  If there’s a picture of you drunk at your college frat part, I don’t think that will end up costing you your chance of being employed (for most jobs).  I think the next generation is going to view that as “yeah, that was college,” and look more closely at other aspects of your life.  Time will tell.